Perhaps when I'm more comfortable I can start wearing these kinds of clothes when I visit someone if I find someone to go and visit. Actually be able to be around people while wearing clothes that I feel comfortable with instead of just putting it on, spinning around a little and just sitting at my computer. That's everything for now.
-in the comfort of my own room. I've started to shave my face, contemplating shaving everything else, seeing what I am and am not comfortable within a place with outside judgement. I still might need to find someone to talk to about all that because trying to figure it out with nobody to talk to isn't going to get me anywhere. Right now I'm wearing a skirt over the diaper and even without the diaper I love it.
without outside judgement*!!! I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm going to expose myself I'm sorry!
Another wall post and this time I'm wearing a diaper as I'm typing this! And to get it out of the way it was dry 20 minutes ago and now I'm trying to be patient and not just fill it up with water. As for everything besides my diaper I'm starting to more genuinely question weather or not I might be trans. In the comfort of my own room I've started to wear more feminine clothes-
Besides probably just wanting to wear diapers I have no idea what the dream was even supposed to be. I think I panicked because of the diapers? Maybe I have a fear of them in some way? I know I like them a lot but even years after I came to terms with my love of diapers I still can't get over needing everything to be exactly perfect before even contemplating wearing them for so much as an hour or two.
Another post to the wall! I had a dream last night about diapers funny enough. I was doing a bunch of work and running around and I don't remember a whole lot about what I was doing. I laid down in my room and someone walked in, I talked with them for a minute and they left and there was a diaper at my door. I turn around and my drawers are open and full of diapers, I can't close the drawers for some reason and next thing I know I'm wearing a diaper, then I panicked and woke up.
Especially the part of wanting to appear more feminine. If it wasn't for the weird genetics I wound up with I would've done everything to appear androgynous as that's what I've wanted to see in the mirror for so long but I know if I suddenly had thinner shoulders, lost 80 pounds of muscle and shaved all the hair off my body I know everyone would get worried. I'll probably just dwell on that for a few months before I come to any sort of conclusion.
Also perhaps when I'm more comfortable with my body I might consider living out a little bit of a fantasy I've had for a while now. I've loved the idea of having someone in my life encouraging me to do things that I really want to do like appearing more feminine and wearing diapers regularly and things that I guess are "cringe" that I suppressed wanting to do for years.
Going back to typing on my wall as I find it to be a nice way to open up. I honestly wish people would use the walls on their profiles like this more often. Perhaps some day I'll be open enough to talk about if I'm horny idk. I decided to try out an idea I had where I put boosters into pull-ups to get the best of both worlds and it feels pretty good. A part of me is considering wearing more often now that I've figured this out but it still feels weird even thinking about that.
I'm going to try being social again. Been on a journey this past year trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be and I'm far from done with it but I believe I'm ready to talk with others about it. Still going to take me a while to be ready to just accept random messages from strangers but some day soon I hope to have friends in this community.
I've effectively given up on socializing in the abdl space, nothing wrong with the people in it, it's entirely just the fear of being intimidating or winding up meeting someone who turns out to be a creep, or really manipulative if i wind up in a relationship, or they're only meeting up to try and expose some stranger in public. I really need to find some sort of councilor or therapist to talk about these fears.
